By Emily K. Alhadeff, Assistant Editor, JTNews
‘Twas the morning of tastings, and among cups of coffee, JTNews was abuzz with foods fresh, sweet and salty. The boxes of crackers were set out with care, and the aroma of bacon flowed through the air.
Wait, what?
At this year’s kosher product sampling — our annual taste test of the best gift and party treats — we went to town on everything from smoked salmon to pastries, raw, sprouted pizza-flavored crackers to bacon-cheddar popcorn, all of it washed down with a few shots of wine and Bloody Mary mixers. By early afternoon the office was littered with crumbs and we were feeling like a bunch of sick frat boys on a typical Tuesday. See what we go through for the Jewish people?
We are proud to announce a few clear winners — J&D’s Baconnaise, The Essential Baking Company’s rosemary bread and Partners’ Mia Dolci lemon shortbread crackers take the cake — and not so sad to send a few losers on a walk of shame to the compost bin (we’re looking at you, halvah). With that, I commence our official review.
Tough cookies
Few cookies are bad cookies, and in the words of our editor Joel quoting Jerry Seinfeld rabbeinu on racial equality, “If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.” He’s talking about Lily’s black and white cookies, which I passed over in snobbish preference for handfuls of the dark chocolate pomegranate balls. Karen seconded Joel with a “Yup! Just right and makes me nostalgic.” She grew up in the land of the black and white, so she knows her cookie.
But the Mia Dolci lemon cookies, oh, the Mia Dolci lemon cookies! Our hometown high-end cracker makers Partners really knocked it out of the park, earning four gold star stickers. Joel mulled over these little morsels of goodness and spent all night crafting this astute description: “Sweet, but not too sweet. Crunchy, but not too crunchy. Lemony, but not too lemony. It wants to be shortbread, but it’s more like a cracker. Most of all, deliciously subtle.”
Susan added her approval as well. “So delicious!” she said. “They’re bite size and would be perfect to put in a dish of ice cream or fruit.”
Personally, my mouth was confused by the crackers for that precise reason: Is it a cookie or a cracker? In a world of moral ambiguity, I need clarity when it comes to packaged desserts.
Now, for some winners in the Alternative Cookie category: Everyone loved the Jessie Miller sugar-free pecan sandies and the Simply Shari’s gluten-free almond shortbread. Lynn, known for her brevity and great profundity, noted “yummy” regarding the former, and regarding the latter, Kristina said, “Can’t tell they are gluten free,” and then added in even greater profundity than Lynn, “very yummy.”
The one loser in the cookie category goes to the chocolate cookie ice cream cones, described by Joel as “bullet proof,” and by Susan as “kind of a bad idea,” followed by an emphatic “bleccch” (sic). On an optimistic note, if you want to do a mitzvah we hear the IDF is taking donations to rearmor some of its tanks.
Candy Land
It’s hard to go wrong with chocolate, and all of the types we tried rose to the occasion. We had so many beautiful chocolate options from the likes of Theo Chocolates, Scharffen Berger and Dagoba. Jo’s Peppermint Crunch got a gold star from Karen, who called it “the best peppermint treat ever,” and recommends it as part of a holiday-themed gift (because who can celebrate Hanukkah without peppermint candies?).
“Zing!” Rachel said.
Whole Foods Market’s pear almond chocolate wowed me. Addison gave it an exclamatory “Very good combo!” and complimented the surprisingly bold pear flavor. Made with real pear, balanced by a semi-sweet chocolate and an almond crunch, I dare say this could be renamed “breakfast bar.” Same goes for the Brookside pomegranate dark chocolate balls, which everyone agreed were sweet, tart, and healthy.
“Delicious — good bang for your buck calorie-wise,” noted Emily.
Following the trend of sea-salt caramel (why did no one think of this before?), Whole Foods came in with a milk chocolate toffee sea salt bar.
“Sinfully delicious,” said Wendy.
The Camel marble halvah was the biggest loser in the candy category. Jean summed it up in one word: “Nasty.”
Carbs
With all this sugar, we needed some carbs. Partners crackers did well all around, with the parmesan-herb flavor getting the best reviews (“addictive,” “nice light parm flavor”). It should be noted that parmesan cheese is hard to come by in the kosher world, so let’s give these an extra point. The parmesan and roasted garlic flavor also fared well, but Susan brought down the rating.
“Tastes like moldy washcloths smell,” she said.
From the Department of Weird came Livin’ Spoonful’s gluten-free raw crackers. When they arrived to the office Susan speculated that they were packets of Italian spices, but upon closer inspection they turned out to be thick crackers in flavors like coconut curry, pizza, and pesto pumpkin seed. We recommend the pizza flavored.
“Don’t look appetizing, but taste okay,” noted Stacy.
But the clear winner went to Essential’s rosemary bread, one of the local bakery’s few kosher offerings.
“Where’s the butter?” Stacy asked.
Lynn, again in profound brevity, said, “OMG delicious.”
Almost treif
The story goes that when bacon lovers Justin and Dave decided “everything should taste like bacon,” they wanted their products to be accessible to vegetarians and kashrut observers, too. When they approached their first kosher certifying agency, the rabbi listened to their pitch, paused, then responded, “I do not know if you know this, but Jews do not eat bacon.” They clarified, and today all of J&D’s bacon products are certified Kof-K.
We had the luxury of trying bacon salt, bacon croutons, bacon-cheddar popcorn and Baconnaise. The reviews were mixed. What carries the bacon flavor is a salty, smoky, paprika-ish spice that, with some imagination, tastes like bacon. The Baconnaise, a bacon-mayo spread (well matched to Partners crackers), got a gold star from Joel, who said, “Wow! This is really good. It could even be its own dip.”
“Bacon! Cheese! Is there anything else?” Ilana, a vegetarian, added.
But the surprise pleasure was balanced by negative reviews: “Ghastly” said Michael. “Not a fan,” said Susan. But she doesn’t like moldy washcloths, either.
Wine and mixers
We had to wash this all down somehow, and that’s where wine and Stirrings simple mixers came in. The Stirrings Bloody Mary mix got two gold stars; Stacy noted that it doesn’t even need the alcohol.
But it certainly helps.
The peach bellini and chocolate peppermint flavors got good reviews, and coming in behind came the pomegranate, cosmo and margarita mixes. But since we were trying these virgin, don’t take our word for it. Just throw a party and invite us.
Now I’d like to take a moment to wax editorial on our wine selection. As an exclusive kosher wine drinker, my highest recommendations go to the bold, smooth, dry Ramon Cardova Rioja (Spain) and the Golan Winery’s Sion Creek Red (Israel). All those who gave the Baron Herzog Jeunesse Cabernet Sauvignon high scores are just wrong. The misconception that Jeunesse is good can be traced to the misconception that kosher wine equals Manischewitz. I am confident there is at least one bottle of Jeunesse that has been passed around to every Shabbat table in Seattle like the goyishe Christmas fruitcake legend.
But I am a reporter, and I have to report that the Jeunesse did get high scores among our (albeit taste-bud–challenged) tasters, as did the Herzog Chateneuf (white) Bordeaux: “Apples! Bright and clean with just a hint of bitter,” said Karen.
“Light, fragrant, not too dry; crisp flavor,” said Becky.
Recommendations
To recommend some pairings for your next kosher gathering, we endorse the Partners parmesan and herb crackers served with a sliced hard cheese with the Chateneuf, a plate of fruit and the Mia Dolci lemon cookies. Another option might be the rosemary bread, paired with a hearty soup or salad alongside the Sion Creek red, ending with the pear-almond chocolate. More decadent types may opt for the bread or crackers with Baconnaise spread on, the rich Rioja or a Bloody Mary and the sea salt toffee chocolate to finish.
By the way, Tums are kosher, too.