By Andrew Koerner, Special to JTNews
Pediatrician T. Berry Braselton said that parents begin by having 100 percent responsibility for their children. Over time, parents raise their children to become independent people who take responsibility for themselves as they leave home and enter the world.
Leaving home for college is for many families the primary way to launch children into the world. Indeed, much of a person’s development can be viewed as degrees of obtaining independence from the family.
The departure of a teenager for college in even the healthiest of families is a stressful, emotional time, full of adjustments. Children can become quirky, restive and moody, and so can their parents in this exhilarating and sad stage of life. This is a time of reflection as parents look back at the years that have gone by all too quickly. It is also when relationships become redefined, as children begin to enter into adulthood. The reactions are as varied as you might imagine.
From college-bound students:
“I thought of going away to college as an adventure. I was excited about making new friends, experiencing new freedom, being away from home, trying on new identities. Little did I anticipate the degree that I would miss my family. Little did I anticipate my teary-eyed telephone calls and letters. Little did I realize that I wasn’t simply going away to college, but that I was leaving home, going out on my own.”
“Now that overused line, ‘you can never go home again’ began to have meaning. I began to have a new appreciation for my family and home. I found myself thinking about home, struggling with the idea of moving forward.”
From parents:
“I was so depressed for a matter of months. I felt such a sense of loss, and besides missing my daughter, her leaving made me feel so old, like my life was going too fast, as in where did that 18 years go? I think I was jealous, too, of her, remembering how great college was for me. I don’t think I felt anything positive.”
“The things that I worried about when my child lived at home I now worry about from a distance. I continued to have very close contact with my child. My primary concerns centered on, as when she lived at home, the dangers of the world. However, I am not close by to help.”
“The change in our daily life and routine was hardest for me. The quietness of the house that I thought I would enjoy was sometimes an almost spooky quiet. The absence of the telephone ringing and the joyful energy. Memories, moments of realization and sadness.”
Some things to think about:
• Acknowledge your emotions to yourself and to your departing child. Realize that if you act emotionally stuck, your children worry more about leaving you.
Don’t be fooled or put off if your senior appears indifferent or is touchy about talking. Oftentimes, college-bound seniors may try to mask their anxiety about leaving and attending college. Talk to them.
• Encourage your child when fears and uncertainties are expressed. When your child expresses fears and uncertainties about leaving and “making it” in college, acknowledge the normalcy of having these misgivings. Tell him you are confident in his abilities to both “make it” and enjoy it. Make references to some of his past challenges and successes.
• With the possible exception of a few schools, which college a student attends is less important than what they do when he is there. What college students do with the opportunities available to them is also more important than the particular school they attend.
• Trust in your child’s ability to make sound judgments on her own. It helps when she can feel your trust. Give your child the opportunity to make decisions and be in charge. This opportunity provides an important experience and step toward independence and adulthood. Watch out for attempts to hold on too tightly or overcontrol.
• Don’t feel ignored or hurt because your child wants to spend every waking moment with her friends. Desperate attempts to spend an endless summer with friends are a natural response to leaving them. Negotiate and schedule family time on a regular basis.
• Pay attention to the feelings of your other kids. They need their own sibling good-byes and reassurances. Be careful not to dwell on how much you miss your child in front of your other children.
Involve them all in attempts to stay connected with their college sibling. This will serve their future as well, since your remaining children will someday be leaving, too. They need to see that you will always reach out to them when they are gone, that they will always be missed, loved, welcomed home and never forgotten.
• Be watchful for signs that your child may be having difficulty preparing for leaving home. Be watchful for signs of serious substance abuse, depression, or eating disorders. You and your college child may create more tension and disagreements than usual in an effort to make leaving more desirable and avoid the more painful feelings of separation.
• Get support of your own. Share your feelings about this new stage of your life with those who are supportive and with those who have been through this transition. Think about and plan how you’ll use all that emotional energy and time you’ve formerly devoted to parenting. The first few weeks or months may feel sad, but focusing on new projects for mid-life help a great deal. So does working on relationships, and building new connections to adult kids.
Andrew Koerner is a clinical therapist at Jewish Family Service in Seattle.