By Morris Malakoff, JTNews Correspondent
Domestic violence is one of those topics that for most people is best left undiscussed. People will acknowledge the problem exists — before changing the subject to something more pleasant.
In the Jewish community, the situation is often taken a degree further. Domestic violence is left unacknowledged, a topic conveniently put on the shelf marked “Things Jews Don’t Do.”
According to Rabbi Abraham Twerski, even the broader community, despite evidence to the contrary, buys into this myth.
“People will tell their daughters ‘get a husband that doesn’t drink, philander or gamble. Find a Jewish boy,’” he told his audience via video feed at an event discussing domestic violence at Bikur Cholim Machzikay Hadath Congregation on July 13. “But the fact is that it does occur and that it is often undisclosed for cultural reasons as well as for the same reasons many in the broader community do not want to disclose the dysfunction in their homes. If the government wants to know how to stop security leaks, they need look no further than the Jewish family.”
He pointed out that more people in Israel are killed by domestic violence than by terrorists.
Twerski, who is a practicing psychiatrist as well as an Orthodox rabbi, appeared with BCMH’s Rabbi Moshe Kletenik at a brunch sponsored in part by Jewish Family Service.
The two-hour-long discussion of domestic violence in the Jewish community, which includes emotional and psychological abuse as well as physical abuse, centered on detection, support systems and theological ramifications.
Twerski has authored a controversial book on the topic, The Shame Borne in Silence. He said that in his experience, the problem is one the community must confront, despite not only a resistance that occurs in the general population, but one that is specific to Jewish community.
“It is easier for a man to leave a marriage in our community than the woman,” he told the more than 40 people attending the event. “But a woman, especially one with children, often has to worry about where she will end up. How will she support her family? Where will she live? The husband can issue a get [writ of divorce]. But if she leaves the marriage, she may be seen as abandoning her most important position in life: raising her children. In the end, she comes to believe that it must be her fault.”
Twerski pointed out, however, that that is not a reason to have to absorb years of damaging and dangerous spousal abuse.
“It is important for that person to be referred to competent, expert help,” he said.
The first stop on the road to domestic tranquility is often the rabbi. Bikur Cholim Machzikay Hadath’s Kletenik related that domestic violence is an issue he confronts all too often.
“It does occur in our community,” he said. “As a rabbi, the paramount concern is that everyone is safe. Counseling of the family can then occur. The rabbi also often has access to other resources to help the family, including the victim, the abuser and the children. While the issues in each family must be worked uniquely with that family, it is an issue that the community must confront as well.”
One of those community resources is JFS’s Project DVORA. DVORA is designed to “create the conditions in the Jewish community to support loving, safe and respectful relationships; and build the capacity in the community to respond to domestic abuse.”
Project DVORA’s director Michelle Lifton said that while she felt the Sunday brunch with Rabbis Twerski and Kletenik was a success, it was only a step in constructing a comprehensive community response to domestic abuse.
“It was wonderful to have 40 people take a few hours out on a beautiful Sunday morning to become educated on the issue,” she said. “As Rabbi Kletenik said, social change is incremental. This is yet another move in the right direction.”
Lifton pointed to the growth of the DVORA program, highlighting some of the upcoming programs that are being offered to educate and support the community in both the prevention and treatment of domestic abuse.
“We are open to serving the community in as many ways as possible,” she said. “If someone calls and says that they would like their daughter and her friends to participate in a program, we can arrange to have education classes for them as a group of their own.”
Kletenik informed the brunch meeting that there is also an effort underway between some rabbis and the counseling community nationwide to develop and implement an educational program for use in congregations with youth and young adults on relationships and domestic abuse prevention.
He said that a community response is appropriate by Judaic law and practice, despite ongoing denial and protestations.
“The Torah holds the community responsible,” he said, “even if they do not want to admit to what is occurring.”
Twerski took that same line of thinking to a personal level.
“Any incidence of domestic abuse is intolerable,” he said. “In the end, we are told that we will be held accountable for every tear we have caused another to shed.”