By Sharon Duke Estroff , Special to JTNews
During my family’s annual Thanksgiving beach road trip, my kids showed remarkable stamina for tolerating monotony as they voluntarily watched the same Rugrats Hanukkah video twelve times in a row without ever coming up for air. I was about to inquire how it was that they could consistently manage to laugh like fiends each time they saw Stu dress up like Latke Man or Angelica spew out ominous warnings about the Meanie of Hanukkah; but I stopped myself short upon realizing that they could easily turn the question back on me. After all, I’m no stranger to repetition myself, having managed to spend the Thanksgiving holiday on Hilton Head Island, S.C. yet again this year, taking part in the same quirky rituals I have taken part in since I was in the first grade.
Routine and ritual are not simply hard habits to break; they are, many psychologists believe, the very fabric of the human existence. For it is in the simple repetitions of life — not the grand black-tie events — that we find the sense of stability and continuity we need to thrive in an unpredictable world.
In Anatevka at the turn of the 20th century, Tevye the Milkman touted tradition as the fundamental means of holding family life together in a new, rapidly changing world. In America at the turn of the 21st century, this basic premise still holds true, and perhaps exponentially so, as many experts believe that the demands of today’s fast-paced, technology-based, achievement-driven, media-ridden society have transformed the overall childhood experience from playtime to pressure cooker.
Each year my kids look forward to our Thanksgiving return to Hilton Head Island, where they unfailingly celebrate the holiday on Friday rather than Thursday, abidingly making like Pilgrims and Native Americans and hunting for their supper (albeit searching out the frozen turkey and cans of cranberry sauce their parents hid outside) and then playing charades late into the night. But this annual pilgrimage to South Carolina represents far more to my family than just fun. Our greatest memories are made here, the links between our past, our present and our future. It is the safety net that is woven out of knowing where we have been and where we are going. In this longstanding ritual, my children are able to learn about the continuity of life, to formulate a sense of connection and belonging, and to gain the security that comes along with believing that no matter how crazy their world may feel the other 51 weeks of the year, they will spend one glorious week embedded in the familiar, the mundane, and the even somewhat bizarre traditions that weave our lives together year in and year out.
Perhaps our richest sources of ritual can be found in Judaism, as the passing of longstanding traditions from generation to generation, L’dor v’dor, is at the very core of our religion. Jewish life is, by definition, rife with ritual. Saying the weekly Shabbat prayers, eating sweet apples and honey on Rosh Hashanah, booing Haman on Purim, and lighting the Hanukkah candles each year all come together to help our children cope in an predictable world.
Even if your child is convinced, therefore, that the only present he wants for Hanukkah is a new, updated video-game system to replace his old “new, updated” video-game system, you can rest assured that what he really wants is something far more abstract. So this year on Hanukkah, give your kids an extra present, one that will last far longer than the batteries in their hot new toys.
Here are some ideas for eight nights of rituals that will help you begin to weave a lasting emotional safety net for your family, leaving them feeling as warm as the menorah’s glowing flames and as strong as the courageous Maccabees for many Hanukkahs to come.
• Hanukkah Memory Night: Invite friends and relatives over for a night of sufganiot (jelly doughnuts) and Hanukkah memory swapping. Follow the storytelling with Hanukkah picture frame-making. Inexpensive plastic frames, holiday accessories (like dreidels and colorful candles), and a hot glue gun are all you’ll need to preserve the memory of this year’s Hanukkah memory night forever.
• Tzedakah Night: Take your kids to the toy store where they can use a portion of their tzedakah money to buy a gift for a needy child. Let them personally deliver it to a children’s hospital, homeless shelter or toy collection site.
• Dreidel Showdown Night: Your family will have a “gelt-load” of fun taking part in an annual family dreidel tournament.
• Movie Night: Follow up the Hanukkah candles with a bowl of popcorn and a family movie (try A Rugrats Hanukkah or Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights).
• Latke Making Night: Whether it is peeling, washing or frying, making latkes is almost as much fun for kids as eating them.
• Book Night: Reserve the gift-giving on this night exclusively to great reads. Follow up by baking Hanukkah cookies together and reading books aloud. (Try Eric Kimmel’s Herschel and the Hanukkah Goblins and How Mindy Saved Hanukkah).
• Share the Magic Night: In the spirit of Palio, invite non-Jewish friends to share in a night of Hanukkah fun. Play traditional games and songs, and, of course, serve up plenty of latkes.
• Big Present Night: Okay, so it’s materialistic. But when balanced with seven nights of meaning and ritual, it feels just right.
Sharon Duke Estroff is an internationally syndicated parenting columnist, award-winning educator and mother of four. Her parenting book, Can I Have a Cell Phone for Hanukkah? (Broadway Books) is now available everywhere books are sold. www.sharonestroff.com.