By Erez Ben-Ari, Special to JTNews
For many, living and working in the United States is a childhood fantasy. Even during tough economic times such as these, thousands of people relocate to the U.S. every year, hoping to make the American dream their own. Those who have done it know that relocating is far from simple. Finding a job, a place to live, and shipping a life’s worth of personal belongings are difficult. Uprooting one’s self and one’s family from friends and relatives are considered by many to be one of the hardest tasks. But as deeply as a move overseas may affect parents, the effect on their children kids is oftentimes much more traumatic.
Ronen’s kids were lucky. He did a lot of homework before relocating, and knew about what awaited them overseas.
“I lived in the States myself as a boy,” says Ronen, a project manager at Microsoft, “and I picked my friends’ brains for information many months before the actual move, so I believe we were well prepared…. I knew that the first six months would be the hardest, but then things [would] settle down, and it proved to be exactly right.”
Still, Ronen misses his home country and the warmth of his fellow Israelis that he has yet to find in the U.S., and when he can secure a good job he plans to return.
Micky Snir, on the other hand, was initially less concerned, having believed that kids can adjust to any circumstance quickly and easily.
“Later on, though, as I was going through the process with my children, I grew to learn that although the kids appear to adjust better than myself, it was, in fact, much harder for them,” he says.
Snir, who also works at Microsoft, says he now realizes that adults have tools, both physically and mentally, to adjust to a new life while kids are often taken by complete surprise.
“They also usually don’t have the ability to understand that the hardships will pass,” Snir says. “For most kids, even several months seem like forever, and they find it hard to believe that within half a year, they will have new friends and will speak English better than their parents.”
In many cases, children don’t take their fate for granted and raise hell about it. One family who came to the States from Israel turned around and headed back last year.
“Our kids overheard us talking about relocating,” says Gila. “I would have expected them to be at least a little excited about the USA, but they weren’t, and started rebelling even before my husband and I found a job there.”
The kids’ disapproval started tamely, but within days of landing, they became more and more intent on getting their parents to go back.
“We fought about this almost daily,” recalls Gila, “and that caused a lot of tension between me and my husband.”
Snir’s children were easier to handle, but his wife, whom Snir has since divorced, decided almost immediately upon their arrival to home-school the kids, so they were less exposed to their new culture. It’s not always the kids, however, who have trouble adjusting to their new surroundings.
“Our kids trust us completely,” says Ronen, “and they seem to be making the best of the situation, but the desire to go back is coming from us.”
The issue of going back, it seems, is a major elephant in many transplants’ living room.
“It’s driving our kids crazy,” shares Ronen. “We can’t go back until I secure a job back in Israel, and we have to time things carefully with regards to school, and with everything in limbo, it’s wrecking everyone’s nerves.”
Gila, who left a sales position at a Washington, D.C.-based consulting company, made the decision to return to Israel for the sake of her children’s happiness. But her family quickly discovered that life had not stood still while they were away.
“When we finally decided to go back, the kids were ecstatic,” she says, “but things turned out to be a lot different than they imagined. Most of their friends have moved on, and because of my husband’s new job, we lived in a different area, so they had to go to a new school and have new neighbors. They also forgot how hot it was in Israel and pretty fast they started the same old tune of going back — this time, to America.”
Snir is still in the U.S., and happy to be here, but following his divorce his wife and children returned to Israel.
“It’s important to remember that even a move back to Israel is still a relocation, and it packs the same kind of trouble. My children are still struggling — they speak excellent English, but their Hebrew is awkward, and they have trouble reading and writing,” Snir notes. “They miss their American friends, and are having a hard time dealing with the Israeli roughness.”
Ronen does not anticipate significant issues upon their planned return, whenever that happens.
“We have visited Israel several times over the years, and I’m confident that my children are realistic about how things are and how they will be. I expect them to complain, but probably not a lot.”
Ronen is also not too concerned about the risk of the kids wanting to stay in the States.
“After all, no one promises you that your kids will stay with you, no matter where you are, “ he says. “I’ve heard of many cases where the kids did go back to the States as soon as they could, and other stories about people who stayed in the U.S., but the kids moved away to the other side of the continent for their spouse, studies or career. It’s a risk that one must live with, but we need to decide if we want to be Americans or Israelis.”
Snir regrets not having been more attuned to his kids’ needs when they initially moved.
“It’s important to try to engage the kids about the subject beforehand — integrate this preparation into our daily lives,” he says. “I feel now that I overestimated the children’s ability to adjust, and we need to be more sensitive to what they feel and how they cope, and not let ourselves be fooled into thinking everything is fine just because they appear fine on the surface.”
Gila has her shares of regrets too.
“In hindsight, I wish I stood up to my kids more,” she confesses. “I’m sure that by now, things would have quieted down, but instead, we have wasted three years and most of our savings, and our careers are in pretty bad shape. I hope this serves as a lesson to others.”