By Britten Schear, JTNews Correspondent
After sheepishly scanning the room from the doorway, one woman boldly asked, "Is this the looking for love’ class?"
The tension in the packed room at the JCC was broken momentarily by the question, as about 50 middle-aged adults anxiously waited to hear psychiatrist Dr. Sharon Romm speak on "Negotiating the Minefields of Mid-life Romance."
Dr. Romm’s lecture was taken from the title of her new book, Dating After 50: Negotiating the Minefields of Mid-life Romance (Quill Driver Books, $12.95), just published this month. Through her book, Romm aims to reopen the world of dating and relationships to those who are looking towards the second half of their life. Or, as Romm put it at the beginning of her lecture, "Life can be exciting, changes can be made even if you have gray hair."
Standing just over five feet tall, with a long gray braid of her own, Dr. Romm speaks from experience on the subject of mid-life dating. In her book she details the many ways that she has tried to find companionship, from placing and answering personal ads in newspapers and on the Internet, to being set up with mutual friends. Though her encounters were sometimes disastrous – she once went on a date with a man who confided in her that his wife had died just three weeks before – Romm’s story has a happy ending, as she finds a suitable companion: Jay was response number 751.
There are advantages to dating as an older person, Romm notes.
"You’ve already been through this," she told her audience. "You’ve already had that awful first date, already had the experience of waiting by the phone."
A person over the age of 50 goes into a relationship knowing what they want, and they are better able to notice the red flags of incompatibility going up.
This does not mean that some changes aren’t necessary. Some of Romm’s audience members lamented the fact that there aren’t enough Jewish singles over the age of 50, while others flatly stated that they may not be willing to alter their single lifestyle to accommodate a partner.
"You think of yourself as acceptable, but there may be some behaviors you need to change. There are certain non-negotiables – such as not dating outside of your religion – and you need to think about what those may be, but it is important to be flexible," Romm answered.
Speaking privately, Romm noted that while it is not important to her for her companion to be Jewish, Judaism was a guide in her own search for a relationship.
"The Jewish religion is a happy religion, and it wants you to be happy. There is a very welcoming aspect to Judaism," she said.
While some people over the age of 50 may be widowed or divorced, there quite a few older men and women who have been single for a long time, and are now looking for a relationship. Whatever the reason, the driving force behind the search for a partner is loneliness.
Romm knows loneliness on a deeper level than most, as she works with patients who have the most severe mental illnesses at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. She is a psychiatrist in what is known as the "lock-down ward" of the hospital, and her patients are isolated not only from each other, but also from the outside world.
Romm’s previous work as an outpatient and couples therapist, and her current work with those who are clinically insane, has given her special insight into peoples’ quest for companionship.
"People are lonely whether they are surrounded by goats or by skyscrapers," she said. "Loneliness knows no geographic boundaries, and it knows no boundaries of sanity. The secret to success is finding someone who is a good match."
How does a man or woman over 50 find a good match?
Attitude, knowledge, and action, is Romm’s answer. Adjust your attitude to begin the search, have as much information as possible on potential partners – and a good understanding of your own needs – and, most importantly, take action.
"With 21 million unattached men and women over the age of 50 in America, there has to be at least one that is right for you. Go to areas where members of the opposite sex will be. Women, take a welding course, or if you’re a man, suck it in and take a class in crochet!"
Romm encouraged her audience to get started right away, telling them to not leave the room until they had introduced themselves to another attendee. "
Since you’re all single, this is a golden opportunity to meet somebody, here, tonight," she said. "Share a chair! This is the way you get to meet somebody. Tell yourself, I’m not too old; I’m breathing, I’m alive, therefore I’m not too old.’"