By Joel Magalnick, JTNews Correspondent
For those families that give gifts on Hanukkah, eight nights of holiday can be both a good and a bad thing. While there is always the chance for a potential gold mine all eight nights, the reality is far more sad.
While I don’t remember the story of when my own mother took gifts we had already received and rewrapped them so she could give them to us again, I do have that memory of the night, late in the holiday, as the candles burned, opening up my gift and finding…an orange.
Some people might think nothing could be better, but for a child of 11 or 12, what could be more disappointing? And worst of all, somebody else ate it!
The Transcript wanted to know who else out in the world had been let down by the promise of riches galore, so we approached a few people and came up with the worst of the worst — even if some of them didn’t have it so bad.
Socks and underwear are every kid’s nightmare. Melissa was certainly no different. Her aunt gave her “a pack of ladies’ underwear that cut just above my bellybutton and just below the knee,” she recalled. It’s exactly what a girl wants. Jennifer was not quite as specific as to which kinds of undergarments she received, but, she said, “As a child I remember getting underwear and being very disappointed.”
Geoff grew up in upper Michigan, where fires were apparently a way of life.
“My mom was really big on giving flame-retardant pajamas in addition to the normal Hanukkah socks and underwear,” he said. “When I was about 14, she gave me a pair that was clearly so big that I would need a belt to wear them. I told her that I hoped I never fit into them and gave them back.”
Geoff’s mom was nonplussed, however.
“I then received them year after year for Hanukkah for about five years. I think they are still in her closet somewhere,” he said.
One gift Geoff received seemed like a bad idea then, but as time went on, he managed to see its wisdom.
“My dad gave my brother, sister, and me Swingline staplers. I thought it was the worst gift ever at the time, but I realize now it probably started my life-long obsession with office supplies,” he mused.
On the subject of practicality, having Hanukkah fall during wintertime often meant receiving those useful items that would help keep a kid dry or even better, put him to work. Take Dave, for instance, who made some ice-cold lemonade from his lemons.
“When my brother and I were lads, my father gave each of us a snow shovel. I was far from elated, but I did make some good money that winter,” he said.
Poor Elliott, however, got stuck with galoshes. He hated “those big old boots with buckles up the front that my mother gave me as a kid.” What’s worse, he didn’t even get a whole lot of bad gifts to choose from.
“I didn’t get many Hanukkah gifts because nobody liked me,” he said.
What about those neat-o gadgets that looked like fun, but end up being a real downer?
Sharon says, “I clearly remember my brother receiving the Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman model sets for Hanukkah one year. They are those put-it-together-yourself models of humans with transparent plastic so you can see inside — to their organs. Yuck, I just remember my 10-year-old brother throwing an absolute hysterical fit about that one.”
Speaking of gross, Dan, a consummate outdoorsman, received the ultimate camping gift: an inflatable backpacker’s port-a-potty.
“It was 12 inches high with a five-inch hole through the center,” he said. “Think of the catastrophic scenario — what happens if a twig punctures the inflatable?”
Laura would receive the practical gifts to accessorize her gadgets.
“One year, I think I was about 12, my mom gave me batteries. It was totally disappointing! Yeah, I was in a very Walkman-intensive phase of life, and I used to go through AA batteries like nothing else, but still! What a bummer!”
Now that she’s a starving graduate student, Laura half-expects her mother to pay for her electric bill. “She does give very useful gifts,” Laura said.
Everyone at some point or another has been the recipient of the dreaded “regift.”
Liora received a punch bowl “that came with the card to the previous recipient inside the box. It was very entertaining,” she said.
Even at a young age, Nancy had an idea of the bounds of good taste in gift-regiving.
“My aunt worked in a retail shop, and a customer left a sweater behind that was just my size — I was about 12 or 13 years old at the time. She laundered it and saved it to give to me as a Hanukkah gift. Even then, I knew this was kind of tacky,” she said.
Jill mentioned a rich uncle who one year gave her stationery — from a drug company.
You can’t go wrong with music, however, can you? Of course you can! Donny received an album that no one should ever be subjected to: “Boy George’s CD that tried to capture that grunge sound,” he said. “The worst thing about it was that I asked for it!”
“My worst Hanukkah gift ever came the year my brother received the salvation of the Lord and shared it with me as a two-cassette tape collection of Slayer,” says Tod. “I’ve always felt this qualified as a bad gift trifecta, covering the multiple categories of Messianic proselytization, big hair metal band, and items purchasable in a truck stop.”
Danielle mentioned her bad musical gift most succinctly: “A Vanilla Ice CD. Enough said.”
Some gifts that had little or no thought put into them, which only made things worse.
Leslie looked back on one with just the tiniest bit of amusement.
“Does ‘all the love in my heart’ count?” she asks. “My dad told my sister that was her Hanukkah gift one year and she just cried. It was pretty funny!”
David received a coupon for a complimentary brit m’ilah. This nice Jewish boy didn’t specify whether it was meant to be used on himself, however.
When she was very young, Wendy said, “I received the same toy as my younger sister.”
That wasn’t the real problem, however. “There’s a three-and-a-half-year difference in our ages,” she said.
Tammy’s gift didn’t come from apathy so much as ignorance. Still, she would have preferred something different.
“When I taught Kindergarten in a class where I was the only Jew,” she said, “I once got a beautiful handmade Hanukkah ornament from one of my students — for my tree.”
Of course we had to save the worst and most ridiculous gift for last. Robyn actually asked we not send a copy of this paper to her hometown in order to not offend the unwitting giver. She received “a set of Hanukkah hand towels for the bathroom,” she said. “They were cheesy white towels with a blue and white intricately designed dreidel imposed on an intricate golden design. Besides being incredibly ugly, who changes their hand towels for Hanukkah?”
Not only that, Robyn said, “they were also dry clean only.”