By Annette Peizer, Special to JTNews
What parents don’t want their child to be the one teachers all find a delight to have in their classes, other parents find easy to have over for play dates and grandparents nod in approval over?
In two 10-year studies of 120 families, John Gottman, Ph.D., psychology professor at the University of Washington and author of over 30 books, found that children whose parents helped them understand and manage their emotions had longer attention spans, scored higher on reading and math achievement tests and had fewer behavior problems in school, at home or with friends than children whose parents dismissed, disapproved of, or had a laissez-faire attitude toward their children’s emotions.
“In my research I discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. We found that concerned, warm and involved parents often had attitudes toward their emotions and their children’s emotions that got in the way of talking to their children when the child was sad, afraid or angry,” Gottman said.
In his book The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Simon and Schuster), Dr. Gottman helps parents learn skills to become “emotional coaches” to their children. He explains that emotional coaches recognize emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching instead of something to be afraid of. They help children transform an amorphous, scary or uncomfortable feeling into something definable that feels normal. Finally, emotional coaches set limits and convey values while they help their children think up their own solutions to whatever is bothering them.
Gottman feels that much of today’s popular advice to parents ignores emotion. Instead, he thinks the techniques rely on child-rearing strategies that address children’s misbehavior, but disregards the feelings that underlie that misbehavior.
“The ultimate goal of raising children should not be simply to have an obedient and compliant child. Most parents want their children to grow up to be moral and responsible people who contribute to society…who have good relationships with friends and successful marriages, and who themselves become good parents. Emotional intelligence is a better predictor of how children will do in life than anything else,” Gottman said.
Gottman’s first piece of advice to help our children is to recognize our own emotions and how to manage them. One mother said she wasn’t allowed to express her feelings as a child and was ridiculed if she expressed her fear of heights. When her son was born she knew she wanted to raise him differently from what she experienced. However, her son’s emotions triggered a knee-jerk reaction in her, opening a floodgate of emotions she had been denied as a child. Through working on herself, despite occasional slip-ups, she now lets her son know it’s okay to be angry or sad or afraid. She knows now that she doesn’t have to fix her child’s problem for him and that she can guide him to his own solutions.
Gottman feels this guidance to understanding different choices and discovering their own solutions with parents is incredibly empowering for children. In addition to helping with their development process, it helps form a strong emotional bond with parents.
Creative compromise can often be reached when children are coached to manage their emotions and create their own solutions. Two four-year-olds were fighting over what to play together. The boy wanted to play Superman and the girl wanted to play house. After shouting back and forth, the boy calmed down and suggested they pretend they were at Superman’s house. The girl thought this was a great idea and the two enjoyed an extended creative period of play.
Gottman will present a lecture based on The Heart of Parenting, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child on Thursday, Nov. 29, at 7 p.m. at Town Hall, 1119 8th Ave. at Seneca. Tickets are $18. Tickets may be purchased by mailing a check with your address to Seattle Jewish Community School at 2618 NE 80th St., Seattle, WA 98115, or online at www.FASTIXX.com (tickets subject to convenience charge). For more information about this event, call SJCS at 206-522-5212. Gottman has chosen to donate the proceeds from this lecture to the Seattle Jewish Community School.