By Janis Siegel , JTNews Correspondent
It may sound counterintuitive, at least compared to the standards set by today’s popular culture, but journalist, author, and longtime American University professor Iris Krasnow believes that women can find renewed happiness and escape boredom — both personally and in their roles as mothers and wives — by learning to surrender.
Detailing some of the fundamentals in her latest book, The Secret Lives Of Wives — Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married (Penguin/Gotham Books, 2011), this year’s keynote speaker for the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle’s Connections 2012 women’s brunch on Jan. 29, said that women must know who they are before they ever say “I do.”
Prior to her visit, Krasnow told JTNews from her home in Annapolis, Md., that she also counsels women not to expect their partners to make them happy, and to let go of impossible expectations of perfection that inevitably creep into even the best relationships over time.
“I’ve spent two years, crisscrossing the country interviewing more than 200 women about their long marriages, and the happiest wives had a sense of purpose and passion outside of their relationships,” said Krasnow. “They did not count on someone else to make them happy. That is a ticket to divorce.”
Very much the repentant Baby Boomer, Krasnow now advocates for devotion to family first and not career, particularly when children are young. She tries to give women of all ages tools and hope for staying in both new and maturing marriages, rather than divorcing for someone new.
“As we are approaching empty nest and a quarter of a century,” Krasnow said of herself and her peers, “the buzz I was hearing from my like-minded friends is, “˜Is this all there is? I have this marriage, I have these friends, is this all there is?’”
That, said Krasnow, explains the premise of The Secret Lives of Wives.
“I study relationships like physicists study atoms,” she said. “It’s been my life journey, as a journalist, to look at what sustains a woman’s most intimate relationships.”
The 57-year-old wife and mother of four boys, ages 20, 22, and 18-year-old twins, discussed her passion for family, revealed the lessons she continues to learn from her nearly 24-year marriage, and shared the wisdom she’s gleaned from speaking with women of all ages and backgrounds about their 15- to 70-year marriages.
“Take a break from each other,” Krasnow said, identifying one of the core messages she took away from the wives she spoke to for the book. “Find a childhood passion, go back to school, or go back to your faith. If we all knew that we are in charge of our own happiness, and that we are essentially alone in this universe, more marriages would last.”
The daughter of a Holocaust survivor, Krasnow said she learned her deepest values about time with family through her mother’s experience during the war. Born in Warsaw, Poland, Krasnow recounted her mother’s escape to Paris, France, where she identified as a Catholic in order to survive, while her mother and seven nieces, nephews and siblings were put to death in Nazi death camps.
“The Holocaust was not something I read about in history books,” said Krasnow. “I know the eggshell-thin line that separates life from death. It was something I saw in my mother’s eyes every day.”
Along with these bittersweet lessons, however, Krasnow also incorporated a strong sense of identity and commitment from her mother’s life.
“I grew up feeling profoundly Jewish and with a profound appreciation for family because of this heritage,” she added. “In an uncertain and chaotic world, family is the rock of our lives. I know also that we have to nurture, appreciate and savor our loved ones while we have them within reach.”
Her first book, Surrendering To Motherhood — Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul, published in 1998, documented her choice to leave her successful high-profile career to commit to the loving chaos she found in her family kitchen with her kids. Her other books include I Am My Mother’s Daughter: Making Peace with Mom — Before It’s Too Late, New York Times bestseller Surrendering To Marriage — Husbands, Wives and Other Imperfections, and Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate.
Krasnow began her career as a fashion reporter for the Dallas Times-Herald before moving to the Washington, D.C. desk of United Press International as a national features writer where she spent several years interviewing some of the foremost celebrities in the world. Krasnow has also written for several national publications during her career.