By Janis Siegel, JTNews Correspondent
No one can really say for sure whether or not being a Jewish mother is any different than being any other “brand” of mother, but Jewish mothers of newborns say they can use all the help they can get. Starting in October 2002, three Eastside congregations will be providing that help.
After the birth of her son Benjamin, Penny Cook, a member of Herzl-Ner Tamid Conservative Congregation on Mercer Island, found that she had a lot of questions, not only about becoming a new mother but also about the additional complexities that living a Jewish lifestyle with a newborn baby can bring.
In the spring of 2002, Cook joined the first “Jewish” session of a program called Listening Mothers. The program, offered for the first time at Herzl, is a Jewish adaptation of a community-wide program supported by Family Services of King County. Listening Mothers focuses on helping mothers of newborns develop the essential emotional bonding skills that are necessary for healthy child development. Certified or licensed mental health professionals who have in-depth training in infant emotional development lead the small groups.
“I was hoping to be able to find a group of Jewish mothers and I found support and friendship,” Cook said. “Most of the issues we dealt with were baby-specific but we dealt with them in a Jewish atmosphere. It answered a lot of questions like what to do when your baby is inconsolable. Benjamin was only eight weeks old when we started. We do Shabbat every week, we go to synagogue and it was really nice to meet people who go through the same life cycle events.”
In the fall, Temple De Hirsch Sinai of Bellevue, Temple B’nai Torah of Bellevue and Herzl-Ner Tamid will be cooperatively offering the groups to new moms.
“The groups are facilitated by trained leaders that can listen to some of the concerns the mothers are experiencing,” said Joanne Glosser, director of education at Herzl. “Mothers gather and bring their infants between three and nine months old with them. It’s really meant to be a discussion-oriented group.”
So far, Herzl has conducted two eight-week sessions at the synagogue and Glosser feels optimistic about future groups.
“It can be a very isolating and overwhelming experience,” said Glosser, referring to becoming a mom either for the first time or even having another newborn at home. “Here, it’s a welcoming and reinforcing experience and you get a chance to see what’s down the road. People are looking for connection, company and a kind of guidance. And it helps bring the Jewish community together.”
Although these groups offer the added benefit of bringing new Jewish mothers together, the principles discussed in the sessions are grounded in the latest research in child development and emotional attachment according to Yaffa Maritz, a clinical psychotherapist for Family Services who wrote the curriculum for the program. Maritz also wants new moms to know that some of the best guidance for bonding with their babies can be found right in their own homes, by trusting themselves.
“When we conducted our year-long baby observations in the home as part of our leader training program, we realized that us being there in this non-judgmental way really helped the mother very much,” said Maritz, who is also a member of Herzl-Ner Tamid. “We thought why not take this to the community? The mothers gained a lot of confidence. We would tell them, ‘You might make mistakes but you can repair them.’ In Judaism we have the concept of repair. We need to learn to follow our instincts. It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.”
Each one-and-a-half-hour session covers topics like a baby’s emotional development, secure emotional attachments, changing relationships with a spouse, making the transition into motherhood, how a baby perceives emotional communication, how our own childhood experiences affect the newborn and how to be a “good enough” mother.
“It’s very scary being a mother today,” said Maritz. “Mothers need to be comfortable and explore what’s best for them. They need to become more reflective. We know that the foundation of emotional intelligence starts in the first few years of life. It all impacts the way you are with the baby.”
Maritz and Glosser both looked at what components they could add to future programs that would enhance its Jewish
components.
“It’s support but it’s also learning,” said Glosser. “People want more Jewish education (at this time) because they have a new pair of lenses. They also want more concrete learning opportunities to explore Jewish perspectives.”
“We’re going to add more to it,” Maritz added, “like looking at separation and individuation in the Torah. We’re going to take information from our own sources. We will explore traditions. This will be very Jewish.”